Get Back Up
by Tiontah
Summary: G1. After the 2005 tragedy, Bluestreak has a breakdown and leaves the Autobots for a while to come to grips with the lose of his friends.


Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers.

The idea of this story came from reading a piece on money given to those who lost their spouses, parents and children after tragedies such as 9/11. It's more serious than what I normally write.

Get back up

Bluestreak was tired and starting to run low on energy as the sun set over the beautiful Arizona desert. It was less than an hour until the next gas station at which he had planned to refuel and recharge for the night. He hated using the humans' gasoline since it tasted horrid and didn't work well with his robot mode but Earth didn't have any roadside energon station so he had to make do. Not that it really mattered since for the past few months he had spent almost all of his time as a car.

After what happened in 2005, Blue had tried to return to his life as usual but he slowly got more unstable. The nightmares that had plagued him at night began to close in on him even during the day. Every time he shut his optics, he saw them, the mutilated images of his friends. Worst of all were the images of the ones from the shuttle meant to pick up energon and fuel the recapture of Cybertron. Their corpses had been left to rust for days due the few number of mechs left in Autobot City to repair from the attack and try to organize search parties. He had been foolish enough to go on the rescue mission and he had never been able to get the smell out of his nose. For months the visions kept getting worse until one day Jazz found him sitting in a hallway, staring into space. After many attempts to bring him back to consciousness, Jazz had carried him to the med bay where Blue had been kept for observation over the next two days with the same unresponsive expression on his face.

Jazz told him that when he had finally come back to reality, he had completely snapped. He had rolled off the berth and hidden behind it, shooting anyone that tried to come within a few steps of him. In his hysteria, he had told First Aid that it was all his fault that so many had died, that if had been half the medic Ratchet had been Optimus Prime would still be alive. It had taken Jazz an hour to coax him out from behind the berth and another two to get him out of hysterics. In the end he had told Jazz to apologize to Aid for what he had said before he had left, heading for the open road. Bluestreak figured that Jazz had probably spared him the full details of the event and he was glad he didn't remember what had happened during that time.

Since that day Blue had wandered North America, trying to outrun his demons. It had been a few months since anybody back at Autobot City had tried to check on him. They figured he would eventually come to terms with what happened. Until then everybody seemed to have decided it was better just to leave him alone since none of them truly understood what was going through the young mechs head. After Bluestreaks' city had been destroyed, it had been some of the same Autobots that had been on the Ark that had take him in and calmed him down. It had been them that kept him from hurting himself and those around him. They had been the ones that helped him grow up and learn to control the nightmares. They had become his friends, his support group and his family. Most soldiers were careful not to form close bonds with more than a few others but Blue had never been able to do that. It seemed like without people to be close to, he couldn't be himself. He needed people to care about to continue living.

Then 2005 had come and those he cared about were ripped from him again. So many he cared about had died that day. It was like somebody had pulled the floor out from under him, leaving him in constant freefall. He didn't know what to do without them. He felt like he had nobody he could talk to who would be able to listen the same way Prowl did, or Optimus or Ratchet or any of the others. He didn't know how to go on without them around as his support system which is how he ended up in the middle of nowhere going nowhere.

Bluestreak quiet brooding was interrupted by the appearance of a woman by the side of the road, a thumb out to hitchhike a ride from him. She looked about 5'6" and of African heritage. Her hair was kept short and was tied together by some kind of a headband. She was clothed simply in jeans and a t-shirt. He had often heard both from Cybertronians and from humans that picking up hitchhikers was dangerous but decided that there was little she could do to harm an Autobot.

He pulled up next to her and opened the door, inviting her in. She slid into the car, not noticing the lack of a driver until she was sitting down. The woman froze. "What's going on? Is this some kind of a joke because if it is, it's the best one I've seen in a long time."

"No joke, names Bluestreak. I'm an autobot," Bluestreak explained, closing the door. "And can you put on your seatbelt?"

"Oh sorry," she said, quickly buckling up. "Pleasure to make your acquaintance, names Saranda. I've heard about Autobots before but never met one before in person. I'd shake your hand but I don't really know how."

Blue gave her a small laugh. He hadn't been in the mood for company in a long time but this girl seemed like a good company. "Pleasure to meet you as well, Saranda. And where are you headed to this late?"

"My car's in the last city getting fixed and my husband's at a conference until tomorrow so I needed to hitchhike my way home. My last ride got a call and needed to turn back, leaving me here. My home is where I'm heading. It's just a few miles down the road, a little past the next gas station," Saranda told him, stretching out to get comfortable. A few moments passed in silence before she spoke again. "So what's your story?"

Bluestreak nearly jumped in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"Your story. Everyone has one and since we have some time together, can you tell me about it?" Saranda asked him.

Bluestreak thought for a second about her question. It was very blunt and yet it was refreshing after the last few conversations he'd had with Autobots, all of whom where extra careful, afraid that Bluestreak might blow up on them. "What do you want to know?"

"Well, for one thing, what are you doing out in the middle-of-nowhere Arizona?"

Blue squirmed. It was a simple question but he didn't really have a simple answer for her.

"Come on, you have to tell me since I told you," Saranda said.

"I guess I'm just taking some R and R time and this is where it brought me," Blue told her, knowing it sounded like a weak excuse.

"Hmm," Saranda responded. She'd figured out that the 'bot was a lot more complex than she had first thought. His carefree and innocent voice had made her think of him as being such. "That sounds reasonable but there's more to it than that, isn't there?"

"If you must know, some of my friends died recently and I took some time off to get over it," Blue growled, sounding a little like Ironhide. The thought of the burly mech made him sad. Ironhide had a way of inspiring the people around him with his stubborn courage. He had always helped Blue out whenever he was having trouble with his anti-war morals. The bot had a direct way that made him both a little tactless and completely trustworthy.

"I'm sorry. Died in war or of natural causes?" Saranda said, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees and her hands folded together. Bluestreak was once again reminded of a fallen comrade, Prowl this time. The way the woman sat was exactly like he used to sit while listening to Bluestreak. Prowl had always had the time to listen, even when it was painfully obvious how much work he had to do. Blue had looked up to Prowl as a big brother and missed him fiercely.

"They died a warrior's death in battle, fighting for what they believed in," Bluestreak answered, quoting part of the passage read at the funeral of every Autobot lost in battle's funeral.

The car was quiet again for a moment before Saranda spoke again. "How long have they been gone?"

Bluestreak paused, not wanting to admit that it had been over two years now since he set out and was longer since their actual death. "A while," he finally said.

"You miss them every day?"

"Yes. They were like family to me and I can't help but to miss them. They meant a lot to me and even though it sounds strange, it's hard to imagine life without them around," Blue told her.

"Without them, does it feel as if you're in freefall, as if the world had been pulled out from under you?" Saranda asked.

Bluestreak seemed to look at her, wondering how she knew. "A few friends of mine died in a Hurricane just two years ago in New Orleans. I was able to get out safely but they weren't. Have never been able to move back but I have gone back to help some of my other friends out in rebuilding their old life but the city makes me too sad to stay permanently. There are just too many memories in that place. The friends that I lost had been some of my best friends I've ever known. I'd know them for years and we shared everything. They meant the world to me just as your friends did to you."

"How did you get over losing them?" Bluestreak asked.

"I haven't really gotten over their deaths but I've learned how to live without them. And I know that they're always be with me in my thoughts and actions. Part of me belonged to them and still does so I know that they will never die. Instead they live on in me and impact me every day. I guess you can say I live on for them."

Blue was silent, letting her words sink in. They spoke to him in a way none of the Autobots ever had been able to. The Autobot's words came from hearts hardened by too many lost friends. They keep their hearts detached or lived long enough to forget those that they had become attached to. Saranda's came from a heart still full of love for others.

The woman laughed, startling Bluestreak from his thoughts.

"What's so funny?"

"Here I am, acting all depressed on their accounts. If they were here, they'd tell me to get over it and have some fun."

Blue smiled too, understanding exactly what she meant.

"So where are you heading anyway?" Saranda asked.

"Not really anywhere. Just wandering around and enjoying Earths landscape," Blue responded.

"Then where are you staying tonight?"

"It's becoming a nice night so I'll probably just pull over on the side of the road," Bluestreak told her.

"Why don't you stay at my house tonight?" Saranda asked him. "With my husband gone and my truck in the shop, I have a lot of empty space in my garage."

"Thanks but I'll be okay," Bluestreak told her, not wanting to inconvenience her although admittedly a nice garage out of the desert cold sounded like nice.

"It's no worry. I insist, stay with me tonight as repayment for the ride," Saranda told him.

"Well, if you insist, sure. It will be nice to be inside for a night," Bluestreak told her. "I have to stop at the gas station first though, so hold on."

It only took a few minutes to get to the station. Bluestreak turned and parked by one of the pumps. "I usually just ask an attendant to do it but since you're here can you give me and hand and fill me up? I can do it myself but I have to turn into a robot to do so and that always ends up causing a scene."

"No problem but what will I pay with?"

Bluestreak popped open his glove compartment. "There's a credit card in there. It's tied to the Autobots account and the pin is on the back."

"Aren't you afraid of your identity being stolen if you lose the card?" Saranda asked, shuffling around a few loose papers until she found the card. She wondered if he had an owners' manual, smiling at the idea of a giant robot trying to read how to drive themselves.

"I doubt anyone would be stupid enough to try to rob the Autobots. And even if they were, our technology is so much more advanced than most Earth stuff that our computers could track down the card and the card user the first time he or she tried to make a purchase with it. Did you find it?"

"Yeah," Saranda said, getting out of the car. She walked over and slipped the card into the machine but paused when it asked what grade to use. "Um, what kind of gasoline do you take?"

"The top grade, whatever it is here," Bluestreak told her with a sigh.

"What's up?" Saranda asked, taking out the pump. She paused for a second, wondering where to put it but realized with relief that he was set up like a normal car.

"Autobots weren't really made for this crude of an energy source and I've been having a lot of it lately. I guess it would be like a human eating fast food for a long time," Bluestreak told her.

"I've tried that before, it was pretty gross," Saranda told him. Watching the gallons rack up, much higher than most cars she'd seen. "How many gallons do you hold, anyway?"

"A lot more than Earth cars but I don't really know. I've never thought to find out. How many pounds of food do humans hold?" Bluestreak asked her.

"I don't really know, I've never thought to find out either. Although my husband can hold more of his mother's fried chicken than you would think possible for anyone and he's not even black," Saranda said with a loving smile for her husband.

"What does being black have to do with it? Is a human with a darker skin tone able to hold more food than those with lighter skin tones?"

"No, we're just known to like fried chicken more," Saranda told him but it looked like he still had no idea what she was talking about. "It's a stereotype, don't worry about it?"

"Okay," Blue told her, still wondering if there were differences between different skin tones. He knew that color scheme sometimes followed a mech's personality but they could change it to suit themselves while humans were born one color and stayed it their whole lives.

The pump clicked. "Should I top it off?"

"What's that?" Bluestreak asked.

"You know, when people add just a little bit extra after the pump says the car is full."

"Oh. Why do people do that?"

"I don't really know. To make it an even number I guess so they don't get uneven change," Saranda said, assuming that his response meant no and putting the pump back. "Receipt?"

"Yeah, just put it in the center divider. I have to keep them for the brass back at HQ," Bluestreak told her. He opened the door for her as she walked around him. She slid in, letting him close the door and start off once her seat belt was on.

She opened the center divider and was surprised at the number of receipts. There was easily a few hundred in the compartment, some looking a year or two old. "Do you collect the receipts or what?"

"No but I haven't been back to base to give them back since I set out," Bluestreak told her, his engine shifting a little in discomfort.

"How long has that been?" Saranda asked, looking through them. "There's one's in here from January 2006!"

"A while," he said, repeating his earlier answer.

"Oh," she said realizing that it embarrassed him. She put the receipt on top of the pile and closed it. "Been busy?"

"Guess you could say that," Blue said, still a little ashamed in front of his new friend. "So where is your house anyway?"

"If you look off down the road, you'll see a small light. I left my porch light on since I knew that I would be getting home late," Saranda told him, glad for the change in topics.

It didn't take long to get to her house. It was a simple, looking to be no bigger than a few rooms. The garage was also fairly simple. Saranda opened it and Blue was surprised at how clean it looked. Usually human's garages were also the place they put anything that wouldn't fit in their houses but hers' was empty except for a few boxes.

"It's nice, huh?" Saranda took his silence for a nod. "After a few months of watching it accumulate junk, I told my hubby I'd had enough and I would throw out everything we didn't absolutely need if he didn't clean it out. I told him that if he wanted to store stuff, he could build himself a storage shed. I'm not much of a neat freak but I believe that garages are meant to store cars worth a few thousand, not useless junk. Do you need anything or are you good?"

"No, I think I'm fine but thanks for asking. You sure it's no problem?"

"Nope, none whatsoever. I'm a morning person so I'm going to head to bed. If you need anything, just holler and I'll be out," she told him, going into her house and leaving him to his thoughts.

The lights in the house went off within the hour and Blue rolled right outside the garage to admire the stars. The heat of the day had chilled and the sky was perfectly clear. He spent a few seconds finding the star nearest Cybertron and made a simple wish for the safety of the few friends he still had in battle. He did every night, figuring that star would have the best luck helping his friends out and even if it was just Earth superstition, it was worth a shot.

Saranda had given the mech a lot to think about. Both he and his new friend had lost people at about the same time but while she had moved on and started a new life, he was still running to escape demons and nightmares. He tried to make excuses to himself saying that he lost his entire city, not just a few friends but he knew how little it was worth. The woman had also lost her city but she had helped to rebuild it while Blue had done nothing. The city he had been born in and raised in still lay in rubble for the most part, controlled by the Decipticons. He had fought for years but had just been another soldier, expendable except for his keen aim. Being part of a cause didn't make a mech great unless he did the work for it. Blue finally went to sleep an hour later, decided on what he was going to do. For the first time in the last two years, he had a plan. Honestly, it was the first time he'd had a real plan since he had joined the Autobots.

A very loud yell woke Bluestreak up from recharge the next morning.

"Saranda! Why is there a new car in our garage? Just because I told you we could start looking for one didn't mean you could just go out and buy one without me."

Blue groggily online his visual receptors. In front of him stood a mid-height man with tanned skin and thick muscles. He wore a cowboy hat on his head and cowboy boots on his feet and looked all around like the model westerner. Next to him sat an old car that looked like it was ready for the slag heap. He could make out neither the make nor even the color.

"What are you yelling about, Cole? You know I can't hear you from the house," Blue heard Saranda yell back. A few seconds later Blue heard a screen door slam shut and Saranda came into view, wearing similar clothes to what she had been wearing yesterday and had a hand towel draped over one shoulder. She walked up next to the man. "By the way, welcome back dear."

"Thank you, good to be home," the man told her, kissing her lightly on the lips. Bluestreak shifted uncomfortably, feeling he had treaded on a private moment. "Now can you explain to me why you bought a new car without me?"

"Oh, I didn't. This is Bluestreak. He gave me a ride home yesterday so I let him stay in our garage for the night," Saranda explained. The man looked at her incredulously.

"Ah huh," he said simply.

"No, I'm serious, he's an Autobot, you know, the cars that turn into robots," Saranda explained but her husband was still looking at him like he was crazy.

"I know what an Autobot is but I can't figure out what an Autobot would be doing out here in the middle of the Arizona desert," Cole told her. He turned to Blue. "I don't suppose you can transform into a robot and prove my wife's story."

"Actually, no I can't because this garage is too small and you're blocking the way out," Bluestreak told the man, trying to sound polite as possible.

The man looked at him in surprise before carefully stepping out of the way, his wife following him. Blue carefully rolled out of the garage, not wanting to cause any damage to the poor car next to him. Once he was clear of both the automobile and the garage, he transformed, stretching. He hadn't been in robot form in a while and he hadn't realized how much he missed it.

"Well I'll be," the man whispered, taking off his hat to look up at the robot.

"Cole, this is Autobot Bluestreak, as I already told you. Bluestreak, this is my husband Cole," Saranda told the two who were staring at each other, Blue only because the man wouldn't stop staring at him. Finally, he reached his hand out in the earth greeting of a hand shake which most Autobots used now. Cole took one of his fingers and shook it, a look of surprise still across his face. "Forgive my husband, he's easily surprised."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Blue told him.

"Pleasure to meet you too," Cole replied, finally coming out of his initial shock. "And I apologize for my rudeness, I've never seen an Autobot before and it was quite a surprise to find one camping out in my garage."

"That's alright; I'm used to a response like that by now. At least you didn't scream which is another common and much more annoying reaction," Blue said. "It was nice meeting both of you but I better get going. I want to start out as soon as possible since I have a long distance to travel."

"You sure you don't want to stay for a cup of coffee or oil?" Cole asked, trying to make amends for his earlier behavior.

"Thank you but no thank you," Bluestreak replied.

"So are you going home or planning to wander around some more?" Saranda asked him.

"I'm going to head back to headquarters. What you said yesterday had a big impact on me and I think I've finally decided what to do."

"I'm glad to have helped," Saranda told him. "Do me a favor and take care of yourself?"

He nodded before transforming and driving off. He had gotten a mile or two when he noticed something stuck between his passenger seat and his door. On closer inspection, it looked like a piece of cloth, blue and square shaped, no bigger than his hand. Realizing it must belong to Saranda, he turned around and headed back to the house. He pulled up in front and honked quietly. Saranda was out quickly, letting the screen door slam behind her again.

"Bluestreak, I thought you had left."

"I had but I seem to have taken something of yours with me," Bluestreak told her, opening his door so he could see the piece of cloth lodged next to the seat.

The woman smiled. "That's an old bandana of mine. I got it when I first came out here and wore it to keep my hair back when I was building this house with Cole. I'd like if you kept it for a while since you seem to need to build yourself a new home."

"Really?" Blue asked, knowing it was a stupid question but he was too overwhelmed to say anything more competent. She nodded. "Thank you so much. I'll hold on to it but when do you want it back?"

"When you have a new life," Saranda told him. "Now goodbye and good luck."

"Thank you again," Blue replied. He paused to look at her before driving off. He would visit her again and until then, he had a lot of work ahead of him.

It took a day to get to Autobot city. As he pulled up, he saw a few of his old friends waiting for him including Jazz, Mirage, and the twins, along with Ultra Magnus, who didn't look as happy as the others to see him.

After transforming, he was immediately engulfed in a giant hug from of Jazz. Sideswipe, not wishing to be outdone, also gave him a huge hug. Mirage shook his hand, welcoming him home, while Sunstreaker just smiled and nodded. Everybody had their own way of saying hello, Blue figured.

The friends now done with a welcome, Magnus strode forward. Bluestreak fell into attention, saluting the commander. Magnus returned the salute. "I would like you to report to my office as soon as you are able. At ease."

His bit done, Ultra Magnus walked away, leaving the gunner a little confused. "What just happened?"

"The brass considers your running off AWOL," Mirage explained.

"Honestly, I think they just have an iron rod up their aft," Sideswipe told him, glaring at the retreating form of Ultra Magnus

Bluestreak smiled at his friend, glad to know people who he could trust to help and defend him even when he knew he was wrong. Jazz on the other hand pouted. "But I'ma higher up."

"Yeah but Jazz, you're Jazz, ya know?" Sideswipe explained, trying to get out of the hole he had just dug himself. Bluestreak's grin widened.

"Hey, thanks for coming out to greet me guys but I'd better get the discipline over with," Bluestreak told them. He started walking towards where he remembered Ultra Magnus's office was. Or at least he thought it was that way. Or maybe it was that way. And was Magnus's office even in the same place as it had been? He stopped and turned around. "Um, which way is it to Magnus's office?"

He got a laugh from everybody. Jazz walked up next to him. "Come on, I'll show you. He's changed offices since last time you were here."

"Thanks Jazz," Bluestreak said. It seemed that, and much as he hated to admit it after his long period of mopping, he still had friends he cared about who cared about him as well.

As the pair walked through the city, a few bots stopped to wave at Bluestreak but for some strange reason most stopped to salute Jazz. Blue knew that Jazz was an officer but in the Ark nobody had ever even thought to salute. Most would have just waved. "Since when do you get a salute?"

"Jus' the past few years. Honestly I liked it better back at the Ark where nobody saluted me and since there were so few of us, it didn't really matter. Ultra Magnus likes ta run a more militant operation and it seems to work well with the new additions to the Earth fleet," Jazz explained. His vocal patterns had changed some too, become less slurred and more of a command voice but then he fell back into normal Jazz. "Anyway, 'ere we are. I'm going to go in with you so you 'ave an ally to stand up for you. Ultra Magnus is a fair bot but he runs things by the books which are, unfortunately, not in your favor today."

Bluestreak knew better than to argue and was glad for the support. Jazz rung the chimes and the pair only had to wait a few moments before the door hissed open and Ultra Magnus called out to them to enter.

"I didn't expect you here so soon," Magnus said, putting down his work and standing.

After the two entered, Bluestreak felt Jazz fall into attention next to him and followed his lead. It was odd after the relaxed feel of the Ark crew under Optimus's command. Attention when being addressed in public was normal but here, in the privacy of Magnus's office, it didn't feel right and he began to miss his old team. Bluestreak mentally shook it off, reminding himself of the job he had to do.

"Now then, I take it you understand why you're here?" Ultra Magnus said. Blue nodded, hoping that the repercussions wouldn't be too strict. Magnus then began a speech about all the reasons for harsh punishments against those who went AWOl, very little of which Blue actually listened to. He had heard many speeches like this and already understood the reasoning. Instead he built up courage for what he was about to do. "For all these reasons, I must regretfully inform you that you will spend the next two Earth months in the brig after which time you will resume your position as a gunner in the Earth unit. Since your return to service has been voluntary, you have a day to reacquaint yourself with the Ark and its inhabitants before beginning your sentence. Please report back to my office tomorrow at 1700 hours. You are dismissed."

Bluestreak nodded but did not leave. He could feel Jazz's gaze on him but he stood strong at attention.

"What is it soldier?"

"With all due respect I do not wish to return to service as a gunner."

"Then you plan to desert the Autobot army?" Ultra Magnus asked, looking at him warily.

"No sir, you misunderstand. I wish to continue service in the Autobot Army but not as an offensive soldier. With your permission, I wish to return to Cybertron and join the squads there attempting to rebuild the planet."

Ultra looked at him, a little confused. "Are you sure this is what you want? Its hard work and very different from being a sniper."

Bluestreak nodded. He knew it was different and he would miss some of the prestige and excitement of being on the battle field but he knew that it wasn't where he belonged anymore.

"Then after your time in the brig, you will be transferred to the rebuilding teams back on our home planet. If there is nothing else you may be dismissed."

"Thank you sir," Bluestreak said. He and Jazz saluted before leaving the office.

Once they were safely outside the office, Jazz turned to Blue, and with a smile on his face, he extended a hand to Bluestreak.

Bluestreak stared at him. "What?"

"You handled that well. I believe that you have finally grown up after all the years at the Ark. Prowl would be proud."

Bluestreak grinned and shook his hand. This was the highest compliment anybody could pay him and by somebody that never gave praise unless it was completely deserved. Blue gripped the bandana in his hand. "Thank you Jazz. I had a lot of help."

Two years later Bluestreak returned to Arizona and was able to return the bandana to the woman who had helped him. He stayed with her only a few days, helping them get a new car since the bucket of scrap had finally given out and building a storage shed for her husband. They explained to him what the different racial stereotypes were and he in turn compared them to the stereotypes different paint colors were given. After the visit, he was able to return to duty with a pure, whole heart and a positive outlook.

-End


End file.
